once upon a time...

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keswick, cumbria, United Kingdom
Once upon a time when no one was looking because dark glasses were in that autumn, and no one was listening because the popular music of the time was loud and brassy, the key to life was stolen by two no good good for nothing partners in crime who passed it on with sly winks and too much blusher to the only cat they knew who was up with the jive talk and down with the kids. if all goes to plan she’ll sling it to the back of her knicker drawer and it won’t see the disco lights again, until one day in the winter when the clouds fall like rain and the word on the streets is bring on the black hole, because as everybody knew all along this was only ever just a temporary measure...

Sunday 6 January 2013

The Faith Cake Phenomenon Strike Two...

dear sir who-has-entered-the-emporium-bearing-a-highly-suspect-looking-tupperware-box-and-a-glazed-expression, i will be not be buying one of your cakes for the following reasons:

Reason Number One. as i explained to your esteemed colleague some weeks ago (* see The Faith Cake Phenomenon below) you find yourself stood in a building which among other paraphernalia of wonder and delight houses a tearoom. if there is one thing we have to hand, it's cake. Now usually this would probably not affect your chances too much, i have a famously low threshold for general sofheadedtness. i would give money to a man in an orange jumpsuit with the words "don't give me money i'm a total con man" tattooed on his face. but then there are reasons number two and three.

Reason Number Two. you give a distinct impression of one who cherishes a belief that washing is for Special Occasions Only. That is entirely your prerogative and i will support your freedom, from a distance, to the bitter end. however the problem lies in that I have no way of knowing if you look upon the baking of cakes for sale as A Special Occasion.

Reason Number Three. when asked what charity you were raising money for you answered with the following; "...a er...a spiritual kind of a place...where you go...it's run by a Lovely Lady" now whoa there sir. whoa right there. i feel you should know, that being Lovely (and i could tell by your conviction that the lady was, undoubtedly, Very Lovely Indeed) does not entitle you to charitable status. maybe it should, maybe there just aren't enough Lovely Ladies in the world, Loveliness should of course be encouraged, i'm as Pro Lovely as the next person. all i would suggest is that we, as a species, have some other stuff to sort out first. i would just say that on our List Of Things To Fix 'not enough Lovely Ladies' is probably not in the priority top ten. maybe the top fifty.
and sir, dear pungent and chemically befuddled sir, don't even get me started on '...a er...a spiritual kind of a place'. because i KNOW you're just talking about incense here. and the need for incense would be entirely eradicated if you would maybe just reconsider your stance on Reason Number Two...

now in the words of holly golightly, a Lovely Lady if ever there was one, it should take you about four seconds to walk from here to the door. i'll give you two.



happy new year people. x
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